Couples: How to Regulate Yourself During Difficult Conversations

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) is a well-established approach to relationship counseling that focuses on the emotional experiences between partners, helping them to reconnect and create stronger, more secure bonds. Given the stresses and challenges of modern life—including a global pandemic, economic uncertainty, and even personal struggles—couples may find themselves feeling emotionally disconnected. EFT can provide a structured, evidence-based approach to help partners navigate these challenges by focusing on emotional needs, attachment, and patterns of interaction that can either create emotional distance or foster intimacy.

Understanding Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is grounded in attachment theory, which posits that human beings are wired to seek out secure emotional connections, especially with their romantic partners. When these connections feel threatened or broken, it triggers emotional distress and protective behaviors, often leading to negative patterns of interaction between partners (Johnson, 2004). EFT aims to identify and change these patterns, helping couples develop new ways of relating to one another based on emotional responsiveness and secure attachment.

In EFT, the therapist helps couples identify their underlying emotions and unmet attachment needs. These emotions often fuel conflicts and distance in the relationship. EFT allows partners to express their vulnerability in a safe environment, leading to deeper understanding and reconnection. Research has shown that EFT is highly effective in reducing relationship distress, with 70-75% of couples recovering from relationship issues after treatment (Johnson et al., 2013).

The Impact of Stress on Relationships

The past few years have been incredibly stressful for many couples. The COVID-19 pandemic introduced new challenges, including lockdowns, economic uncertainty, and isolation. These external pressures can exacerbate existing relational issues, such as emotional disconnection, misunderstandings, and unmet needs. When couples face additional stressors, they may find it difficult to communicate their emotional needs effectively, leading to feelings of frustration, anger, or sadness.

Emotionally Focused Therapy addresses the impact of stress on relationships by helping couples understand how external stressors can influence their internal emotional landscape. It provides tools to navigate these challenges by fostering emotional awareness and connection. As couples become more attuned to each other’s needs, they develop a stronger emotional bond, which acts as a buffer against stress (Greenman & Johnson, 2013).

How EFT Can Help Regulate Emotions

EFT focuses on helping individuals and couples regulate their emotions through emotional awareness and expression. Rather than suppressing emotions or engaging in defensive behaviors, EFT encourages partners to become more aware of their underlying emotions—such as fear, sadness, or longing—that often fuel negative interactions. Once these emotions are identified, couples can begin to communicate their needs in a more vulnerable and authentic manner.

For example, a partner may feel disconnected and lonely in the relationship but express this feeling as anger or frustration. EFT helps uncover the deeper emotion of sadness or fear of abandonment, allowing the partner to express this vulnerability instead of anger. This shift in communication can lead to more compassionate and supportive interactions, fostering a sense of emotional safety and connection (Johnson, 2004).

The Role of Attachment and Emotional Responsiveness

Attachment theory, which forms the foundation of EFT, highlights the importance of emotional responsiveness in relationships. Secure attachment is developed when partners are emotionally attuned to one another’s needs, providing comfort and reassurance during times of distress. Conversely, when partners are emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, it can trigger feelings of insecurity and anxiety, leading to negative patterns of interaction.

EFT helps couples become more emotionally responsive by encouraging them to acknowledge and validate each other’s feelings. This process fosters a sense of emotional safety, enabling partners to feel more secure in their relationship. Research shows that emotionally responsive partners contribute to higher levels of relationship satisfaction and stability (Johnson, 2013).

Steps in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy

EFT follows a structured approach that includes three main stages:

1. De-escalation of negative interaction cycles: In this phase, the therapist helps couples identify the negative cycles of interaction that are causing emotional distance. By recognizing these patterns, couples can begin to understand how their emotional responses contribute to the cycle and how they can break free from it (Johnson, 2004).

2. Restructuring interactions: In this stage, partners are encouraged to express their deeper emotions and attachment needs. The therapist helps facilitate open and vulnerable communication, enabling both partners to respond to each other with empathy and understanding. This process allows partners to develop new ways of relating to one another based on emotional responsiveness (Greenman & Johnson, 2013).

3. Consolidation: The final stage focuses on solidifying the new patterns of interaction. Couples learn to apply the skills they have developed during therapy to navigate future challenges and maintain emotional connection.

EFT and Emotional Regulation in Times of Crisis

Given the current climate of global uncertainty and economic strain, couples are facing heightened stress and anxiety. EFT can be particularly helpful in times of crisis because it emphasizes emotional regulation through connection and security. As couples learn to respond to each other’s emotional needs, they develop a stronger sense of trust and intimacy, which can serve as a protective factor against external stressors (Bradley & Furrow, 2007).

In the face of these stressors, many couples may find themselves reacting defensively, withdrawing from their partner or engaging in conflict. EFT helps them recognize these defensive reactions as protective mechanisms rooted in fear or insecurity. By addressing the underlying emotions, EFT encourages partners to turn towards each other for support rather than away, promoting emotional regulation and resilience.

Conclusion

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy offers a powerful and effective approach to strengthening relationships by focusing on emotional connection and attachment. In times of stress, EFT helps couples navigate their emotions, fostering emotional awareness, responsiveness, and connection. With a proven track record of success, EFT can provide the support couples need to deepen their bond and weather life’s challenges together.

If you and your partner are struggling to reconnect or manage the emotional toll of external stressors, consider exploring Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy at our practice. We are here to help guide you through the process of healing, reconnection, and emotional growth.

References

Bradley, B., & Furrow, J. L. (2007). Inside blamer softening: Maps and missteps. In L. Greenberg & J. L. Furrow (Eds.), Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy for Dummies. John Wiley & Sons.

Greenman, P. S., & Johnson, S. M. (2013). Process research on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples: Linking theory to practice. Family Process, 52(1), 46–61. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12015

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple therapy: Creating connection (2nd ed.). Brunner-Routledge.

Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. Little, Brown Spark.

Johnson, S. M., Hunsley, J., Greenberg, L., & Schindler, D. (1999). Emotionally focused couples therapy: Status and challenges. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 6(1), 67–79. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy/6.1.67